When Grief Becomes Complicated

Written by: Sofia Daulat

The walk of grief is a well-known human experience. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, job, sense of identity or health, loss stirs up pain within that can leave us feeling hopeless and empty. When do we know when grief has become complicated or has extended past the initial deep pain from grieving? Complicated grief carries some of the same symptoms as ‘typical’ grief, making it raise the question as to when we know we have crossed the line from typical grieving to complicated grieving.

Grief has no timeline and is the price we pay for love, as quoted by Queen Elizabeth. Waves of grief can knock us off our feet for a lifetime and serve as a reminder that grief does not end, it is in fact a living grief. While the pain may feel intense at the reminder of a loved one, as time goes on, grief tends to take up less space in our lives and hearts. What once felt like the feeling of drowning, might become a sting in the heart as we are reminded of what we lost.

Signs of Complicated Grief

Complicated grief refers to a prolonged period of time where an individual may feel trapped in their grief, and intensely consumed and preoccupied by the loss. Along with ‘typical’ grieving symptoms, complicated grief might show up in overwhelming emotions that come out in bursts of anger, excessive avoidance, and self-destructive behaviours. When grief becomes complicated, individuals are unable to find any moments of joy in their lives or live out their lives in a meaningful way.

With the awareness that each person grieves differently, it can be challenging to know when the grieving experience has become complicated. Symptoms of grief that become persistent past one year, can be signs that you are transitioning into complicated grief and that it might be time to reach out for support from loved ones and potentially talk to a health care professional.

Tips/Tools for processing grief:

1.     Meet yourself where you are at: The way we grieve is unique to each individual and there is no right or wrong way to process grief. Have patience with where you are at in your grieving journey and allow yourself space to acknowledge and process emotions that are coming up.

2.     Access Support: When you are ready, reach out for support, ask for help and find ways to find connection. Whether that be family, friends, a grief support group, or a counsellor, to be reminded that you are not alone on your journey of grief.

3.     Coping Tools: Some tools for coping could be, practicing mindfulness, starting a journal, physical activity, art activities or engaging in spirituality.

4.     Self care: It’s the little things that count, so try to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. Whether that means taking an extra long nap, or going for a walk in nature, self-care can look different for everyone and it's simply about doing more of what fills your cup.  

5.    Create rituals: If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, creating rituals to remember them can be comforting. Perhaps setting time aside on their birthday, or the anniversary of their passing, to remember that person and what they meant to you.

Grieving a loss can feel painful and hopeless, however with time, there is a potential for finding different ways to make meaning and find comfort in our grieving journey. Wherever you are in your grieving journey, remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you feel that you may be experiencing complicated grief, remember that there are support services available.  At Resting Tree Counselling, we are here for you. When you are ready to take the first step, book your free consultation or email us at info@restingtree.ca to find out more.