Healthy Relationship Skills: How to Express Your Needs

We all have needs and expressing them healthily is part of maintaining a strong, loving and respectful relationship with others and ourselves. However, not all of us grew up with caregivers who role-modelled healthy ways of expressing needs. Or we might have lived or are living in situations that feel unsafe for us to express our needs, such as being mocked, dismissed, invalidated, or gaslit. In these cases, it is an understandable survival tool to suppress our needs. If you do want to learn how to start expressing your needs better, a good way is to start practising with people who do make you feel safe from small to larger ways. This can tell your brain that expressing our needs can feel safe, it can feel rewarding, and it feels great to respect ourselves. 

Here are some tips on how to start expressing our needs in ways that are healthy and sustainable for us.

Pick a time that’s good for you and for others

This is especially so if you feel that it might lead to some discomfort or resistance when you express this, as collaborating with people to work on needs and issues can require patience, time and energy. Having a strong awareness of our own emotions, behaviours, thoughts and triggers is necessary to regulate our own emotions, and to recognise when others are not able to have a productive conversation. This awareness is a great tool to help us start off on the right foot by knowing to express a need when both parties have enough energy, and knowing when to take a break if it is devolving into reactions that come from our egos instead of our vulnerable selves.

Examples:

"Hey, I need to talk about something important to me. Do you have about 15-30 minutes to spare right now? When is a good time for you?"

"Is this discussion urgent? If not, could we talk on Wednesday night? That would be better for me as I have an important meeting to prepare for and I need to be in a space where I can be calm and focus until then."

"I think our discussion is getting a little heated and I need a quick break. Could we come back to this in 5 minutes please?"

Accept that we cannot control the responses of others

By recognizing that we can only control our own words, actions, and behaviors, we let go of the expectations to control those of others. For example, if someone rejects our need, we are compassionate towards any pain we feel while accepting that the next step is up to us, like changing our behavior or time spent around this person. Doing so releases tensions from our own expectations, and can often bring us more calm when facing responses that make us uncomfortable. This avoids us trying to control the responses of others through our fight or flight responses, such as negotiating our needs when we don't actually want to. Paradoxically, by letting go of control, we regain our power. At best, this helps lessen our anxiety around expressing our needs and builds our personal resilience. At worst, this can guide us to the tough lesson that we may need to distance ourselves from those who constantly disrespect our needs. 

Use 'I' statements instead of 'You' statements.

A classic and often quoted tip, for good reason! It's important to accept that as the speaker, our responsibility lies in respecting ourselves by expressing our needs without disrespecting others. This is called "assertive communication" and is respectful of others while still respecting our own truths. Using 'I' statements can communicate our perspectives and focus on a behavior instead of the person, which is kind but still explicit in what we need. This soft start-up seeks to connect instead of dominate, lowers the chances of either party feeling attacked or defensive, and resolves the issue quicker. 

Examples:

"I don't feel heard by you right now. I need your time and patience."

"I felt hurt by your comment and I'm wondering what made you say it."

"I'm upset that the laundry was not done even though it was agreed to, I really needed something from it. Are you able to get to it now?"

Respect others as we respect ourselves

Disrespect isn't limited to name calling or physical aggression. When we feel superior to others, or have a negative opinion of others, it shows in our body language and verbal language in many ways. This includes sarcasm, snarkiness, contempt, blaming, shaming, criticism, personal attacks, and judgement. We can also show it in our body language such as ignoring someone, eye-rolling, crossing our arms and turning away, smirking. Assertive communication allows us to express our emotions and frustrations truthfully, while still respecting others. We can be clear and explicit in our needs, while still being kind.

Expressing our needs can be a very difficult thing to do, and feel really scary for many. However, it is vital for building authentic relationships. Here at Resting Tree, we are able to help you with developing healthy relationship skills with yourself, friends and loved ones. Find out more by contacting us at info@restingtree.ca or book your free consultation today.