Healthy Relationship Skills: How to Set Boundaries
By setting boundaries (or not) we let others know how to treat us. Honouring our needs (see blog post on How to Express Your Needs) also includes asserting our boundaries. Drawing our boundaries kindly and firmly is an act of love towards ourselves and our loved ones.
Build your self-awareness
To know our boundaries, we have to know ourselves. Being familiar and secure with who we are, what we need, and how it matters to us builds the foundation for boundaries-setting. Notice and be curious about bodily or emotional signals inside of you when someone crosses your boundary: e.g., tension, discomfort, guilt, resentment, anger, frustration, sadness, helplessness. If we are confused or uncertain about our feelings, identity and needs, it is easy to swing from one extreme to another. This is when our boundaries either become overly rigid or loose. When they are rigid, we tend to isolate ourselves and build a wall around us, not letting others in. And when they are loose, our sense of self blends with others, and that causes us to become overly responsible for their needs and well-being too.
It may feel scary and awkward
We may have had a history where our needs and feelings were diminished, disrespected, or invalidated. For some of us, we might have experienced a lack of emotional safety growing up. If so, setting boundaries will naturally feel aggressive, scary, and uncomfortable. Sometimes, we may also experience pushback or disapproval from others, which may result in misunderstandings or conflicts. Although we cannot control or change the behaviour and beliefs of others, we are responsible for communicating our needs and feelings with them. After all, no one is able to read our minds and we have to take ownership of our own needs. Thus, not saying anything or being in our comfort zone would not help either. Sticking to the same old patterns of passive or aggressive communication can continue to harm us emotionally and mentally as we lose out on building meaningful relationships.
Keep it sustainable
Be patient with yourself and your expectations, and trust that honouring your boundaries will lead to longer-term happiness and self-respect. We may be new to setting boundaries and fear doing so due to past trauma, anxiety or stress. Therefore it is important to ensure that you are taking small sustainable steps in practising boundary-setting. If we do too much too soon, it might result in us taking too big a risk in our relationships and we may not be ready for the consequences yet. The boundary-setting process can also be one filled with trial and error, so it is important to be kind and gentle with ourselves and others while doing so.
Let go of your need to be right
Sometimes, we want to influence others with our boundaries so badly that it turns into wanting to control their behaviour instead. Setting healthy boundaries means letting go of the belief that we have the power to control anyone’s behaviour, including our closest friends or loved ones. We may consciously or unconsciously expect others to think that we are right and they are wrong when we set boundaries. However, when we set boundaries, we have to let go and allow others to feel the way they want to about our boundaries. Even when we express them gently and kindly, they can still feel hurt or angry by it. We might then turn to defending and explaining ourselves, on why and how our boundaries make sense. There is no need to get into a debate about how valid your boundary is. You do not need them to agree with you or try and win them over. Your boundaries are not right or wrong, they just are.
Be polite but firm
Attach fair and reasonable consequences to your boundaries and follow through with them. Examples of boundary-setting in communication:
"That was inappropriate and disrespectful. It felt hurt by it so please do not say that again."
"We have different opinions and we don’t have to change each others’ minds. We can agree to disagree."
"I am not able to accommodate your request. If you keep insisting, I would have to excuse myself from this conversation."
“This topic is not something I feel comfortable talking about. Could we change the subject?”
"When you dismiss my opinions, I feel disrespected."
“When you do/say ____ , I feel ______”
Do you find setting boundaries difficult? You are not alone. If you are keen to learn more about how to build healthy relationship skills with yourself and others, we are here to help. Find out more by contacting us at info@restingtree.ca or book your free consultation today.